Thursday, 22 Sep 05
Sweet release
Someone mentioned that he couldn’t believe I’m the sort of person who would have once considered suicide. Well, I was. Once.
Yeah, I went through that whole suicidal phase when I was in secondary school. Not a whole lot of people know about it…in fact, I can’t think of anyone who actually does know about it, really. It was an immensely private thing, and there wasn’t anyone I wanted to talk to about it. Pretty unlike me, huh. Usually I’m all verbal diarrhea. But this was different.
I was going to tell the whole sordid story for once, but I realized how intensely private it still is, and how painful the past can be when it’s raked up again after many years. Sort of like a corpse. You bury it, and pat the soil around it nicely, and grow flowers on it, and it looks pretty up there. But stick a shovel in and bring it all up after a few years, its festering and rotten and still looks and smells bad. Worse even. Some things should just be buried and forgotten forever.
So yes. I once did sit on my window ledge and contemplate jumping off. I also sliced my hands and wrists up testing the blade of my jackknife, ladders all up my arm. I did extensive research on sleeping pills. Tested my mom’s sleeping pills out. Tried popping Panadol with Coke, just to see if it might work.
But I stopped all that stupid shit in the end. “Woke up my idea”, so to speak. Put the outside happy face determinedly on the inside, and desperately hauled myself out of that festering pit of depression. Took me a long time, and a lot of work, and a lot of unknowing help from close friends (Deyana, Joy among them) and eventually I got myself on track.
I still can’t bring myself to go into the reasons, or talk about why and how and exactly when; suffice to say that it wasn’t all in my mind. There were a lot of reasons that were very real and traumatizing, to me at least. But I’m over it.
Death is still an attractive prospect to me, yet differently. Like Ying said, I could die right now and I’d be pretty satisfied with how I’ve lived my life. I’m at peace with myself. It’d be really nice to find out what life would be like if I continue to live, but if God chose to take me now, I’d go without complaining.
JADEITE
kang said,
September 22, 2005 at 12:07 pm
funny you should blog about death. i was talking about mortality in mine.
kay lii said,
September 22, 2005 at 1:29 pm
does everyone have those phases?
cause I did too.
but it was for a very stupid that i contemplated suicide. really stupid.
best friend said,
September 22, 2005 at 3:05 pm
roar.
i so sat on a window ledge before too.
jadeite said,
September 22, 2005 at 3:18 pm
Maybe it’s a very teenage thing. I don’t know? When we’re most susceptible to pain and shit.
Most of our reasons look really stupid now :)
bing said,
September 22, 2005 at 4:11 pm
yah, i thought of various ways to end life back in secondary school too, all the teenage angst. my friends and i were discussing whether it was just a “tk” thing.
ying said,
September 22, 2005 at 10:49 pm
haha think its an everyone thing in our teens. but in varying degrees of intensity, realness, superficiality…
ketsugi said,
September 22, 2005 at 11:12 pm
I knew about it before you blogged this. So there.
tscd said,
September 23, 2005 at 12:43 am
I think it’s very brave of you to share something so personal - you will find that 99% of people have suicidal thoughts and a fair number of those will have attempted suicide at least once…but hardly any of them will talk about it to their friends and family, although they will talk to doctors!
I often see alot of teenagers coming in with suicidal attempts. I am only scared by those who have made attempts not to be found.
peecube said,
September 23, 2005 at 4:13 pm
maybe it’s generation thingy…hardly heard of people a little older talked about them…then again, they might have just cremated them instead of burial…