tell me about it

What a lousy night. Was rudely awakened this morning by people drilling and hammering right outside my bloody window. My block is going through some renovation, re-beautification program and they’re repainting, fixing up, doing all kinds of stuff.

It’s a very, very rude awakening indeed when you wake up and see men hovering right outside your window. Luckily I’d prepared for such an eventuality and had gone to sleep actually wearing clothes, and had drawn the curtains. Urgh. But the noise they made, my gosh, it was cacophonous to say the least. Gragh. Right. Outside. My. Window.

So I determinedly pulled the sheets over my head and forced myself to sleep through the noise.

Finally woke up at 3pm. Called the boys from my home phone (damn Starhub cut my line again) but neither of them picked up. Phone rang.

Me: Hello?
Female Person: Hey, you’re sleeping is it?
Me: Uh, yeah. Just woke up (trying to figure out who Female Person is).
Female Person: Oh ok I’ll call you later!
Me: Wait wait. Who did you want to talk to?
Female Person: *uncertainly* Helena?
Me: *sigh* Wait, I’ll get her for you.

*passes phone to Mom*

After she hangs up, five minutes later the phone rings again. I’m pretty sure it’s either baby or Kow, and Mom picks up the phone.

Mom: Yeah? (In a very comfortable tone)
Mom: ….what?
Mom: ….Mmhmm?
Mom: …hold on.

I come over, knowing it’s for me, and realizing that my friend has similarly mistaken Mom for me.

Me: Why do people always think you’re me and I’m you? *takes phone from Mom*
Mom: I think I just got called ‘baby’.
Me: !!!!

*bursts out laughing*

Me (on phone): You called my mom baby!!
Resh: *horrified* I THOUGHT SHE WAS YOU!
Me: *hysterical laughter*
Resh: WHY DO YOU TWO SOUND SO ALIKE! OMG I’M SORRY!
Me: Hey mom, he says sorry!
Mom: Oh that’s all right. Makes me feel young again. Heh.
Me: *uncontrollable laughter*
Resh: OMG OMG OMG!

Someone mentioned that he couldn’t believe I’m the sort of person who would have once considered suicide. Well, I was. Once.

Yeah, I went through that whole suicidal phase when I was in secondary school. Not a whole lot of people know about it…in fact, I can’t think of anyone who actually does know about it, really. It was an immensely private thing, and there wasn’t anyone I wanted to talk to about it. Pretty unlike me, huh. Usually I’m all verbal diarrhea. But this was different.

I was going to tell the whole sordid story for once, but I realized how intensely private it still is, and how painful the past can be when it’s raked up again after many years. Sort of like a corpse. You bury it, and pat the soil around it nicely, and grow flowers on it, and it looks pretty up there. But stick a shovel in and bring it all up after a few years, its festering and rotten and still looks and smells bad. Worse even. Some things should just be buried and forgotten forever.

So yes. I once did sit on my window ledge and contemplate jumping off. I also sliced my hands and wrists up testing the blade of my jackknife, ladders all up my arm. I did extensive research on sleeping pills. Tested my mom’s sleeping pills out. Tried popping Panadol with Coke, just to see if it might work.

But I stopped all that stupid shit in the end. “Woke up my idea”, so to speak. Put the outside happy face determinedly on the inside, and desperately hauled myself out of that festering pit of depression. Took me a long time, and a lot of work, and a lot of unknowing help from close friends (Deyana, Joy among them) and eventually I got myself on track.

I still can’t bring myself to go into the reasons, or talk about why and how and exactly when; suffice to say that it wasn’t all in my mind. There were a lot of reasons that were very real and traumatizing, to me at least. But I’m over it.

Death is still an attractive prospect to me, yet differently. Like Ying said, I could die right now and I’d be pretty satisfied with how I’ve lived my life. I’m at peace with myself. It’d be really nice to find out what life would be like if I continue to live, but if God chose to take me now, I’d go without complaining.

I actually really do get work done when I’m studying in SMU. Gasp. Say it isn’t so!

I don’t know, maybe it’s because I don’t know anyone here so I don’t get distracted by friends, or because Resh is studying so…well, so studiously that I feel guilty not doing the same, or maybe it’s because I can’t connect to their wireless so the Internet and its myriad distractions aren’t at my fingertips.

The solution is to whip out baby’s laptop and connect there instead, hoho.

But yes. I got work done. In record time, without getting sidetracked!!

Hur.

Every Wednesday, I become SPECIAL just for a few hours. :D

It’s depressing and bitter to find out that someone you’ve known, respected, and liked for almost six years is only respectable and likeable on the surface.

It’s humiliating to find out that you’ve been praising that person to others, without knowing what he’s really like deep down inside.

It’s enraging to find out how vain and shallow that someone is, putting his own vanity and ego above his girlfriend’s basic emotional needs. It’s infuriating to find out that he would hurt someone he loved, just to make himself look good.

It hurts to know that such people exist, and that you hadn’t realized they could be so close to you.

How can someone be that insensitive, and hurtful, and so puffed up by himself that image matters more than your loved ones?

I reiterate point five of the post I made yesterday: men can be such bastards.

All right, I do also acknowledge that women can be real bitches too :)

Does anyone know what a “HTTP 500 Internal Error” is? It keeps screwing up my browser, and it’s taking damn long for pages to load when they actually do manage to load. I have a deep suspicion that something Joel did when he was tinkering with my laptop last weekend might have done it.

Yes, I’m that girl who never learns.

I’m getting very antsy about internship. A few people have already gotten emails or calls - Meddymoo has already gone for an interview - and I’ve gotten none. Studentlink has lied to me once again; they haven’t posted up the lists of shortlisted students yet. I’ve never checked school mail and Studentlink this frenetically before. Bah.

Going down to SMU tomorrow to spend a little studying time with baby. This is his compromise - Wednesdays if I want to I can go over to study with him after his TA session and before his training, and Saturday evenings are exclusively for us. Wednesday dinner supposed to be for me to eat with Kow! But he has abandoned me for fairer shores. Alas! Who will eat dinner with me on Wednesdays now? :D

Tsk. Heh.

Spending the evening listening to Chicane and Fourplay and Joe Satch. And Bond. Not in the mood for lyrics tonight.

Miss my baby.

1) I was wrong about internship results. Bah. (discovered through convo with Max)

2) I am interesting. (discovered through convo with Ying)

3) Linking your blog on tomorrow.sg does wonders for blog traffic. (discovered through perusal of blog statcounter)

4) Even if I don’t really like somebody, when I find out she’s been hurt by a guy, I still feel her pain. (discovered through surreptitious reading of someone’s blog)

5) Men can be such bastards. (universal truth)

It surprised me to see my name on B*rian P*eter’s blog, heh. Pleasant surprise - he posted his primary school class picture up, and told me to look for Resh somewhere in the photo; as he says, “damn super cute loh!!”

Hurhur.

Here’s the pic: for those who know Resh and Brian, try and find them. Click to enlarge.

A meme, from popagandhi; originating from mercermachine and now collecting on tomorrow.sg. Just my two cents worth. Leave a comment here if you’re a friend of mine and have done your own!

I’m the girl you once loved.

I’m the girl who teases you for crying at the movies, while hiding my own tears from you. I’m the girl who scoffs at you for being so naive, but who privately wonders what it would be like if I’d lived a life that could have kept me as innocent as you are.

I’m the girl who doesn’t learn.

I’m the girl whose hand you hold. I’m the girl whose lips you kiss. I’m the girl you danced with in Phuture, that night when we couldn’t get enough of each other, when no one else existed but you and me. I’m the girl you didn’t dare to ask out for Valentine’s Day, because you were too much of a gentleman to chase a girl who belonged to someone else.

I’m that girl.

I’m the girl who takes everything personally, and shouldn’t.

I’m the girl you said was the most beautiful woman in the world. I’m the girl who never believed you, especially when you dumped me for someone else.

I’m the girl who’s been there, done that.

I’m the girl who fantasizes about being tied up.

I’m the girl whose heart you never had, because I’m the girl you loved, and you’re the man I hated. I let you think I loved you, but really I’m the girl who despised you, and you’re the man who will never know.

I’m the girl who perched on a window ledge high above the world, and tried to gather the courage to jump off and kill myself. I’m the girl who fingered a knife blade and wondered how much it would hurt before I died from blood loss. I’m the girl who lost all hope,who believed that there was nothing worth living for. I’m the girl who was so lonely that I thought no one would miss me.

I’m the girl who thinks I’ll never be good enough. For you, for anything, at anything. I’m the girl who hurt you because someone else hurt me.

I’m the girl who’s sorry.

I’m the girl who ran away from God, because you said, “If you call yourself a Christian, you make me ashamed to be one.” I’m the girl who didn’t go to church for four years because I believed you. I’m the girl who wishes I never listened to you.

I’m the girl you never really knew, because you were too busy to give me the time of day. I’m the girl who tried to give you a chance, but who gave up in the end. I’m the girl who still thinks of you sometimes.

I’m the girl who held your hair as you threw up.

I’m the girl who told you that I was happy to be by your side, but what I really wanted to do was get away from you and your petty insecurities and nasty tantrums. I’m the girl who lied to you over and over again to keep you happy. I’m the girl who left you because I finally stopped lying to myself.

I’m that girl.

I’m the girl who sings in the bathroom.

I’m the girl who let you down. You wrote me twenty apology letters that you never dared to send, and bought me my favorite teddybear pendant, but still I was the girl who let you think I was angry at you for a whole year because I was afraid you loved me more than I could handle. I’m the girl who said ‘yes’ when I actually meant ‘no, no, oh God no’. You’re the first gay friend I ever had, but I’m the only girl you ever thought you could actually be with.

I’m the girl who was molested by a friend, and never dared to tell anyone about it. Until now.

I’m the girl whom you called ugly, freak, fucking loser. I’m the girl who will never be able to forget it because I’m afraid it’s true.

I’m the girl who got drunk, and you’re the guy who still teases me about it.

I’m the girl who expected less, but got so much more.

I’m the girl who wants lilies and white ribbons at my wedding. I’m the girl who believes in true love, in the sanctity of marriage, in blessings. I’m the girl who wants to grow old with you.

If that’s who I am, then who are you?

sonic’s that guy

How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends
How can we start over when the fighting never ends
Baby, how can we make love if we can’t make amends
Tell me how we can be lovers if we can’t be,
Can’t be friends

Look at us now, look at us baby
Still tryin’ to work it out
Never get it right
We must be fools, we must be crazy
Whoa, whoa, when there’s no
Communication
Whoa, whoa, it’s a no win situation

We lie awake, this wall between us
We’re just not talking, we got so much to say
Let’s break these chains, our love can free us
Whoa, whoa, ain’t it time we started tryin’
Whoa, whoa, gotta stop this love from dying

Baby, love is tough but we can take it
Baby, times are rough but we can make it
We can work it out

How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends
How can we start over when the fighting never ends
Baby, how can we make love if we can’t make amends
Tell me how we can be lovers if we can’t be,
Can’t be friends

~Michael Bolton, ‘How Can We Be Lovers’

Oh, and internship results can be checked from tomorrow (Monday, 19th Sept).

I can’t wait.