tell me about it

Noises of Johanna going off to school filter through my closed door. I crack open one eyelid. It’s still dark.

I roll over and go back to sleep.

The alarm rings at 7.10am. I punch the snooze button without thinking, but vaguely register that I have an unread text.

I roll over and go back to sleep.

The alarm rings again at 7.15am. I pick up the phone, read the text. Reread it. Smile to myself. Set the alarm for 7.30am.

I roll over and go back to sleep.

Dad comes in at 7.29am to wake me up. I nod my head to indicate that I am awake (although I’m not, really). I turn off the alarm. Dad leaves the door open - “You’ll feed the cat, right?” I mumble inarticulately.

I roll over and go back to sleep.

I wake up to check the clock. It’s 7.35am. I notice the cat is sitting right next to my bed watching me. “You’re going to have to wait for breakfast”, I tell her, then

I roll over and go back to sleep.

I panic and wake up and check the clock again. 7.53am. Aaaaah I’m late. I hurl myself out of bed and nearly trip over the cat who directs an accusing and hungry look at me. I pick her up and take her out to feed her.

I manage to eat and bathe and still make it to work on time.

Beth - 1, alarm clock - 0!

I don’t have to be sad
this is only the beginning
of the rest of my life

:)

Well, it’s D-day.

There’s a sick, sinking feeling in my heart and stomach that reminds me I’ve been dreading this day - as if I need to be reminded in the first place.

It’s always this way, isn’t it? You know it’s coming, you know what’s to be expected of you, but there’s only so much you can do to prepare yourself. When it comes down to the crunch, you can never know how you’re really going to react. It always seems to be in the distant future - oh, there’s plenty of time for that, let’s just enjoy the here and now - but before you know it, time’s run out.

I thought I’d made my peace long ago but it seems that it isn’t that easy to let go because right now I’m struggling to fight against a pervasive wave of loss and loneliness. Lord, how I need You to hold my hand and comfort me. I pray You take this burden of sadness from me…I can’t do this alone.

How important it is to put my trust in Jesus! I can’t take one step by myself without falling flat on my face. It’s only through His love and grace that I’m going to get through this with a smile and a contented heart. It won’t be easy to let go but I’ve really got to put it all in His hands and let Him deal with it.

There. Talking about it makes me feel slightly better. This feeling will pass, eventually, as I settle in and get used to the idea of it all - though I know it will probably get worse before it gets better. But it’s such a comfort to know that our Father in heaven is watching over us and that He’ll do a much better job of taking care of it than I ever can.

One of my favorites.

Tell me you’ve had trouble sleeping
That you toss and turn from side to side
That it’s my face you’ve been seeing
In your dreams at night

Tell me that you wake up crying
And you’re not sure exactly why
Tell me that something is missing
In your life, in your life baby

I could have sworn I saw you smile at me
Standing in the pouring rain
At a loss for words and running out of time
I said this crazy thing, I said

Tell me that you live for love
That forever is never enough
That you’ve waited all your life to see
That you want so badly to believe
Tell me that it’s not just me

Hold me now and tell me that you do believe
In a soul, a soul mate
And tell me, and tell me, tell me…

but absence makes the heart grow fonder.

1) Venezia Yoggi gelato
2) Giuseppe pumpkin soup
3) Salmon sashimi
4) Fried chicken wings
5) Meiji barley sweets
6) 100plus
7) Tekka Mall fried goreng pisang
8) Apple and pear compote (the kind Liang’s mom makes with cinnamon and cloves and raisins)
9) Sauteed mushrooms and onions
10) Bean stew

I prayed last night that today would be a more productive day at work, that I would have stuff to do rather than sitting round all day surfing the Net.

So I went in to the office and asked my supe if there was anything I could do.

She tilts her head to one side, presses both hands to her cheeks and goes “Ummmm” as she thinks hard for about a minute or so.

Then her eyes brighten and she looks at me and says:

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

“Actually, no leh.”

*faints*

Then she passes me this skinny file to arrange articles in chronological order (the classic here-why-don’t-you-do-this-useless-thing-while-I-find-something-else-for-you-to-do move), so I go off and do that.

Five minutes later they’ve managed to think of stuff for me to do - pack media kits (which was quite fun) and then *drumroll* pack the cupboards.

Sigh.

Opened boxes. Took out folders to put in cupboard. Flattened boxes. Put them away.

At least I had something to do, beats sitting here doing absolutely nothing. And I like working with my hands :) But it doesn’t help that I caught a cold (over the phone, no less) so I’ve been sniffing sadly around the whole day.

*sniff*

Why are all songs with the name ‘Beth’ in it always so sad? First Gab introduced me to ‘Beth’ by KISS, which is surprisingly tender and sweet and melancholy; and now ‘Skin’ by Rascal Flatts, about a girl named Sara Beth who has cancer. Sniff.

Sara Beth is scared to death
To hear what the doctor will say
She hasn’t been well
Since the day that she fell
And the bruise, just won’t go away
So she sits and she waits with her mother and dad
Flips through an old magazine
Till a the nurse with a smile
Stands at the door
And says will you please come with me

Sara Beth is scared to death
Cause the doctor just told her the news
Between the red cells and white
Something’s not right
But we’re gonna take care of you

Six chances in ten it won’t come back again
With the therapy were gonna try
It’s just been approved
It’s the strongest there is
I think we caught it in time

Sara Beth closes her eyes
And she dreams she’s dancing
Around and around without any cares
And her very first love was holding her close
And the soft wind is blowing her hair

Sara Beth is scared to death
As she sits holding her mom
Cause it would be a mistake
For someone to take
A girl with no hair to the prom

For, just this morning right there on her pillow
Was the cruelest of any surprise
And she cried when she gathered it all in her hands
The proof that she couldn’t deny

It’s quarter to seven
That boy’s at the door
And her daddy ushers him in
And when he takes off his cap
They all start to cry
Cause this mornin where his hair had been
Softly she touches just skin

And they go dancin
Around and around without any cares
And her very first true love is holding her close
And for a moment she isn’t scared

It’s quiet in the night, in the dark, in the after-light; the world is hushed and I’m alone but not lonely. I lie awake in my bed, and the only sound I hear is the whoop-whirr of the fan blades turning and spinning, cycling round but going nowhere.

Then the rain begins to fall.

It’s light at first, a pattering and smattering, a tapping on my window pane. Whispering and crackling - “Are you there? Do you hear?” - then as if incensed at my silence, the drops fall fatter and heavier and slap at the glass. Sullenly it growls and snaps outside the window - the thwarted wolf champing at a door closed and barred from him.

Thunder.

Lightning.

But I stay quiet and still as a hunted mouse; the boom and the crack don’t frighten me. My fingers smooth out the blanket, like a lover’s caress, and I drowse sleepily amidst the storm and the rain.

I wait it out with half-closed eyes as dreams and half-dreams chase themselves across my shuttered lids. The sound of the buffeting grows rhythmic as the rain thuds glumly down, the colors drifting blue and gray in the muted light.

And still I cannot sleep.

I came in here with a blog post all planned and ready in my head, but an email I got this morning made me grin like anything and even laugh out loud, so that post will have to be shelved for a little later until I settle down a little :D

THANK YOU.

I do so love surprises :)