What a mess I’ve making out of my life lately. Last night my prayers were just one long heartbroken plea to God to please, stop me from doing anything stupid, and if I did end up doing something stupid (as I am wont to do) then Lord, please forgive me. I can feel myself right on the edge of potentially doing something extremely dumb and the worst part is that I know it’s dumb but I’m still throwing myself into it and caution to the winds, consequences be damned. Which I shouldn’t be doing. But. sigh.
I’m of two minds now, about going to Melbourne; I can’t decide if I should still go. Part of me wants to go because this is the last year Jas is going to be there, and because I’m simply dying to go to Australia and experience everything my friends are crazy about; because I want to visit Kat and the rest and see everything. And of course part of me doesn’t want to go because it’s expensive, and my main reason for going down has recently evaporated into thin air, so I’m now quite unmotivated to travel there and inadvertently unearth things better left buried. At the same time…I guess I’ll wait and see how the situation unravels itself. If it improves, I might still go.
In the meantime though, if the Melbourne trip really doesn’t work out, I’m heading to Bangkok and Redang this July instead. They’re my little runaway places, and I’d love nothing more than to kick back, relax and shop and tan away my troubles (and celebrate the end of internship with a bang). Plus they’re cheaper, and if I run out of cash, I’ll just go to Redang with Kow and the rest. I’ve asked a couple of girls and so far Bin has said yes!! Yay!
The more I think about it the more I think I’ll take a rain check on Melbourne. It’d seemed that this year was the perfect time to go, what with internship salary all saved up and the timing seemed just right, but everything’s collapsed under its own weight now and it appears that Melbourne isn’t the place for me to go this year after all.
We’ll see how it goes :)
I’ve been going absolutely potty over Kings of Convenience and Esthero lately; I am a sucker for good lyrics and pretty harmonies. *poke* Bing for not sharing KoC earlier (I am in utter miseries for having missed their concert) but thanks for sharing lately :P
I walked around for hours, two ten pence pieces in my hand
I was alone and freezing, still trying hard to understand you
I left the others knowing, I had to work this by myself
But now the feeling’s growing, I would be better off with their help
So baby, what we’ve got
Has lately not been enough
Not been enough
I wish I had your scarf still, that once embraced and kept me warm
I wish you could be with me, in these last days when I am still hopelessly poor
Stay out of trouble
Stay in touch
Try not to think about me too much
Stay out of trouble
Stay in touch
Try not to think about me too much
Catch me up in your arms and lift me heart-high; touch your lips to my ear and tell me you love me.
Tell me you love me.
I made a sudden and painful discovery just now while washing the dishes.
For a long time I used to say that my JC years were the best time of my life, when I was at the happiest point in my life.
It just dawned on me that that’s changed, because I realized I’ve never been happier than I was from end November 2005 to January 2006.
Yeah, well.
I’m so angry with this NUH doctor. Absolutely livid.
Aunty Ling brought Dillon to NUH last week, because he’d been complaining of something like paralysis or numbness in his leg. Of course, because of Russell (who passed away in 2002 of a brain tumor) Aunty Ling recognized the symptoms immediately and took him to NUH for a checkup and tests. And then what did the doctor do and say?
He told her that it was psychological, that Dill was faking it, that he was just playing the fool. Aunty Ling didn’t trust this, cuz when Russ had first shown symptoms she’d thought it was psychological too, and had almost scheduled him to see a psychiatrist when the polyclinic referred him to the hospital and they finally found out it was a tumor. So she persisted, and told the doctor about Russ, and he actually got annoyed and insisted that there was nothing wrong with Dill. In the end to placate her, he took a blood test and said the results would be out in two weeks.
Aunty Ling couldn’t wait that long. Right after paying the bill at NUH they took a cab straight to KK Hospital (where Russ had been treated) and brought him straight to the A&E. They saw Dill, did some tests, and with the results, told her “this can be nothing good”. Within a few hours they’d admitted him to hospital and scheduled him for an operation the very next day, because they said it absolutely couldn’t wait any longer - every day delayed would push down the chances of his survival and recovery.
How is it that KK is able to diagnose so quickly and efficiently and that NUH doctor treated them with such flippancy?? There’s a life of a child at stake here! If it were the flu or some mild illness I wouldn’t be so upset but this is a life-or-death situation!!
Anyhow, Dill’s had the operation and now we’re all waiting the results of the biopsy. He’s in recovery, has just been shifted to the general ward so he’s doing well. Apparently the tumor was in the spine, not on it (which is supposed to be a good thing) and was a nerve gone bad. Now we’re all wondering if it’s possibly genetic because how coincidental can it be that both brothers could get it and around the same age too?
Sigh. Praying really hard for his recovery and that all results will be good ones.
Don’t ever bring your children to NUH if you value their lives because evidently there are doctors there who don’t appear to value them. Ugh.
So now I say the things I want to say
Sometimes it’s better letting go this way
I’ll always know down in my soul
We really had so far to go
I’ve given all I had to give
And now it’s time for me to live
And I won’t look back
And I won’t regret
Though it hurts like hell
Someday I will forget
- ‘Letting Go’ by Kim Sozzi
There are so many things I want to tell him, because I’m angry and hurt and quite frankly my pride has taken a bashing. Out of sight, out of mind, huh. Memory really is a fickle thing. I guess if I didn’t have my journal to read and remember, I might have forgotten just how intense and emotional that whole period was for me too. But for it to have taken so soon for him to forget, yeah, okay, thanks. Or maybe it was all just fun for him. I guess that all makes sense then.
I thought I was holding everything in well enough, until that phone call, and everything just fell apart for me too quickly for me to rein in any sort of control. But hey, I deserve better than this, I really do.
Yeah, so many things I wanted to tell him, rebuttals and reiterations and reminders, but I’m also tired and spent and more than anything else, I just want to put an end to this. I’ve had quite enough, and I think silence is my best recourse.
That’s all you’re ever going to hear from me on this subject ever again.
I know what hatred is.
I know.
And it’s burning me up inside.