tell me about it

The fire flickers out, making movies on her skin
and in the embers she remembers all the places that she’s been
four letter words fly from her mouth
she thinks she’s breaking ground
time takes it’s toll, she feels his soul
in everything around and I say

The way that you feel now
it’s cool as long as I know
the way it’s gonna be

Make it last for an hour
we’ll never feel this way again
make it all that you want
and everything that I need

The booze reaches her blood
she forgets his name
the wood has turned to coal
but our desire feeds the flame
will we surrender to the night?
or will our conscience win the fight?
she won’t regress, but can’t confess
that everything’s alright and I say

The way that you feel now
it’s cool as long as I know
the way it’s gonna be
it’s gonna take more
where we’re gonna go…

and Fate took the bait – hook, line and sinker.

.

Then Fate bit back.

Now and then when I’m alone by myself I get the feeling that life is just – what’s the word – unreal.  It feels as if all this is a passing phase, like I’m an eternal soul stuck inside a transient body.  As if I understand the meaning of time – as if I’ve felt seconds go by like years, time falling quickly like raindrops silver on the skin – and that this mortal body measures time so much slower.  That I’m uncomfortable with how slow time passes while I remain in this body, because I’ve experienced eternity.

As if I can’t wait to go off and die, because then I’ll be returned to my infinite self, rather than trapped on Earth as a human being.  That life is (for now) a mild inconvenience.  That nothing I do really matters, because when life is over and done with, nothing will have changed in the long run.

It’s strange because for that brief moment I’ll suddenly feel very detached from life and the world and from living.  That life is so mundane it’s really beneath my notice, but because I’m stuck here for the time being I have no choice but to live by the rules and wait patiently for my time to be up.

It’s such a strange feeling, and not morbid at all, if that’s what you’re thinking.  It’s just a curiously detached feeling.  Does anyone else feel like this?  Is it only me?

But other times I get so caught up in the joie de vivre of living, in the very mundanity of it, and rejoice in the pleasures of this mortal coil.   I just don’t know where that other feeling comes from – I only feel it once in a long while, but often enough to perplex me.

Something I’ve been thinking about for sometime now, and which I mentioned briefly while speaking to alpha on MSN.

It’s so easy to judge people, because this whole world is judgemental.  A girl walks past me, and I think, oh no honey, don’t wear that, what were you thinking?   Someone blows cigarette smoke past my face and viciously I think, I hope you choke on your smoke and die of lung cancer someday.  Soon.

Whatever it is, really.  We’re so used to judging – cue American Idol music – that we don’t see the forest for the trees.  Ignoring the plank in our own eyes while jeering that guy with the speck in his.

Who am I to judge?  Who am I to make the call?  Who am I to say my sins are smaller than yours, or lesser than yours, or that I’m somehow better than you?  I can’t do that.  We’re all human.  We all make mistakes.  And ultimately one day we’re all going to be held accountable for ourselves, not for other people, in front of the only One who is qualified to judge.

I’m not in any position to judge anyone for their right or wrongdoing, and if I have so judged you, I’m sorry :)  I’ve no right to call you out on what you have or have not done.

I just pray that one day I will be able to stand in front of Him and say with all honesty that I’ve tried my best to be a good and faithful servant, and the way I’m living my life now I know I’m probably not going to be able to do that.

I’m trying. Am I really?

I need to know if you were real
‘Cause I’ve been known to get it wrong
When the memory comes
I’ll say I’m always in the dark
You got me now

I want to give you back
Somewhere out of here
I want to give you
I want to give you back

I can’t remember how it went
You looked like everything I wanted
And as you came along
Slowly everything began to change
I got you now

That’s enough
Just talking about it
I don’t mind
I don’t mind no I
Laugh enough
Just dreaming about it

I need to know if you were real
I’d hate to think that I’d been fooled again
And as the vision fades
I’ll say I was blinded by your eyes
I felt them burn

It’s not easy, but Lord, I’ll try.

PROGRESS PACKAGE IS IN!!!

MWAHAHAHA!!  I AM RICH!  I ROLL IN MONEY!  I HAVE!  SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS THAT I DIDN’T HAVE BEFORE!!!!

For once our gahrermen very punctual with giving money.  Early in fact.

Okay, in grateful thanks for the money, I…would have voted for P*AP if my G*RC was contested!

:D

Last night’s Film Fest outing was quite a letdown with the (Japanese) documentary lacking English subtitles – people were walking out within the first ten minutes.  We walked out after fifteen minutes!  Went to query the door staff, because a_x had taken precautions to ask about subtitles before we decided to catch the movie, and they said that there’d been a mistake.  At this point it was 10.30pm, they said it would take half an hour to bring in the replacement film with subtitles, and it was an 80 minute film. Obviously we left.  Having work in the morning and everything (boo).

Other than that it was a still nice night/outing, and being able to see the inside of the National Museum was breathtaking.  Sean’s internship company was the one who did up the new museum, I believe, so it was nice to finally see it from the inside after inspecting it with him from the outside.  The blend of modern and classical is strange but it works – I commented on how a glass and concrete open-air stairway had been built next to the facade of the old museum, and that conjunction of old and new should’ve looked stranger that it did, but somehow it worked out all right.  The best part was the inside, where the original facade is reflected in a massive curved glass wall.  Absolutely gorgeous.  Best part that it wasn’t a mirrored wall, just glass, so the reflection is sort of shimmery and indistinct, like a reflection in the water.  Swoon.

It’s not always about you, so stop thinking it is.

It’s not about you anymore.

I’m wiping you off the slate.

You’re softer than a cannon blast
But your effects much longer last
And I want you just like a hole in my head
But I need you like a meal and a bed
And you say, “Come on, I’m not what you’re after.”
But I know you’re not just anyone, anyone

But I’m not what you want
No, I’m not anyone
But if you needed me
Then I could be someone

And you’re an army in a horse
And you have taken me by force
And all the freedom in this world could not resist
The sweet temptation of your sweet elusiveness
So I say “Come on!” as the gate swings open
Cause I know you’re not just anyone, anyone

And the lie’s always cheaper than the truth
But the lie’s all I’ve ever known of you
Maybe none of this is true