tell me about it

What’s with celebrities popping out babies this year?

Brangelina with their already-beautiful Shiloh Nouvel.  Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale with baby Kingston (sounds like a brand of refrigerators).  Tomkat with the as-yet-unseen Alien Baby.  Gwyneth, Chris Martin and their little Moses.  Seal and Heidi Klum produced baby Samuel, I think.  Matt Damon’s baby.  Rachel Weisz.  Mira Sorvino.  Donald who-says-I’m-wearing-a-toupee Trump.  Even Jack Black is a new dad.

They’re going to be the new Bratpack.  Add in all those kids born in the last few years - Posh and Becks’ Cruz, Sean Preston I-got-dropped-on-my-head Federline, Ava Phillippe, etc… and in about eighteen years we’re going to have a huge bunch of snotty-nosed celeb kids running around channeling Lindsay Lohan, Paris and Nicole, Hilary Duff.

Horrifying.  I shudder for the future.

I can see them growing up already.

At five years old: “Hi, my name is Shiloh.  My daddy is the cutest man in the world.  This is my imaginary friend, Suri.  You can’t see her because she doesn’t actually exist, but don’t tell her that or she’ll get Xenu to eat you up.”

At ten years: “I’m Kingston! This is my best friend Moses!  We play ball together and laugh at all the poor kids with ugly non-famous parents, like Sean Preston over there.  No, wait, he just has ugly parents.”

At sixteen: “I hate that bitch.  She stole Cruz from me even though, like, I love him for-evar and she KNOWS it, beeeeyatch, I’m gonna go over to her house and I’m going to purge in her Ferrari.”

At eighteen: “Noooo I’m not a drunk, coked-up anorexic whore.  Reaaaaaally.  Teehee.  Have you seen my sex video yet?”

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