tell me about it

I may have sworn off romance but I suppose when I’m surrounded by lovey-dovey couples my mind can’t help wandering into areas that really should be off-limits. It’s nice to think about it once in awhile, though. It’s a reminder to myself that this hiatus is merely for awhile, before I let love back into my life.

I think of cups of tea cooling on the table, because the conversation is so good there isn’t space or time to pause to drink anything.

I remember dancing under the moonlight on a rock in the middle of MacRitchie reservoir.

I imagine how it feels to look into the eyes of the man who’ll love me so much he’ll never want to let me go.

I remember sitting on the banks of the river at Punggol, knowing that the day would have to end and wistfully wishing that it never would.

I think of silence between two people that’s as comfortable as a well-worn shirt.

I recall the thrill of fingers touching for the first time, cheeks pressed against each other, an arm wrapped snugly around my shoulders.

Yes, I remember love. I recall its fulfillment, its trials and tribulations, its comforts and insecurities. Love is something I’ve always craved, always greedily reaching out for it and taking, taking, taking.

I don’t feel much regret that I’ve given parts of my heart away to different people in the past. I’ve learnt something new with every relationship that comes and goes. But I’ve grown awfully tired of trying and trying and never getting anywhere. I’ve got the feeling that my constantly chasing after love is why its forever eluding me.

And that’s why I’m taking time out. Because I’ve decided that God will pick the guy I’ll marry, not me. Because I don’t want to seek love out; I want it to come to me of its own accord. I want things to happen because they will, not because I force them to. I’ll be patient and trust that God will move my love life when I’m ready for it. For now, I’ll concentrate on a relationship that’s far more important - how can I love my future husband with a whole heart that isn’t first focused on God?

I’ll make more memories one day. Just not now. It’s difficult to be patient when some nights loneliness hits you like a softball straight in the gut. Your heart twists and your lip quivers and all you can think about is how much you want to be held by someone who loves you.

But then I also remember that God is always holding me close, and that His love is for all eternity, and I can go to sleep comforted that all things will happen in its time.

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