tell me about it

I carefully load my hands with the five glasses and make my way to the table outside.

“One Bacardi coke, one half pint of stout, vodka lime, pint Heineken, and a Chardonnay,” I recite as I put down the drinks one by one. I look up and the customer is watching me in fascination.

“Just how many fingers do you have?” she asks.

I laugh. “Last time I checked, I had ten, same as you.”

She shakes her head. “I don’t think I could carry five glasses all at once. That’s neat.”

“It’s practice,” I say ruefully. “I don’t like loading a tray when I can just use my hands.”

—

How to be a good customer:

1. Call your waitress/waiter by name.
It’s always nice to be addressed by name when I’m serving customers at the pub. I wear a nametag for a reason. It makes me really happy when customers take the trouble to notice my name and say, “Thank you, Beth”, and a happy waitress means even better service.

2. Be courteous to your waitress and treat her with respect.
I am not your slave. “Please” and “Thank you” go a long way. I do not respond to “Oi”, “Eh”, or similar other Neanderthal grunts. And if you try to pinch my butt, I will break your wrist.

3. Don’t make unreasonable demands.
If you want a couple of things, ask for them all at once. Don’t wait till I’ve gone and gotten your Tabasco sauce before you ask for more napkins, and then another glass of ice water, and then oh some tartare sauce would be nice, and could I get you a slice of lemon for your damn ice water, and shucks would I mind warming up your pizza in the oven because it’s gotten cold, and oops you’ve got to leave so could I run back to the kitchen and pack your stupid pizza in a box for you?

4. Don’t break the rules.
Don’t expect me to like you when you’re pouring shots from the vodka bottle that’s hidden in your handbag. Or if I’ve told you nicely that outside food isn’t allowed, but you’re chowing down on it anyway. And if you’re a Thai hooker sneakily soliciting among our customers, we will bitch openly about the unlikely size and heft of your breasts. It’s only natural.

5. When the place is closing, the place is closing.
I really hate to chivvy customers to leave (especially when they’ve just left a beautiful tip). So take the gentle hints (stacking up of chairs, wiping down tables, curtains drawn, waitress looking like she’s about to cry, etc) and take your own initiative to leave before I have to ask you nicely to go. Like my supervisor likes to say, “Guys, you don’t have to go home - but you can’t stay here.”

6. Tip your waitress.
I know, I know, I’ve made this point to death. But really. Look at what you’re signing - is service charge included? If not, and service was good, do leave a tip. Even if service charge is included, if you felt your waitress did a fabulous job of serving you, go ahead and leave a tip. It won’t hurt. Your generosity is appreciated, all the waitstaff will recognize you as a good tipper, and you get even more fantastic service. What a lovely cycle.

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