tell me about it

Dream #1:
A few nights ago, I dreamed that I was growing fuzz on my cheeks and beneath my nose. At first it was just a little bit, but my erstwhile stubble soon blossomed into a full mustache and beard. In my dream I was looking in the mirror, frowning and fingering my new facial hair, and wondering if it made me look a bit too masculine. Strangely enough, in the dream, Puppy wasn’t too concerned about the caveman growth on my face and was quite cavalier about the whole thing.

Interpretation: I won’t have to worry that my boyfriend will leave me if things get too…hairy.

Dream #2
And the next night I dreamed that we were on a tour bus rambling around somewhere - me and Puppy and Matthew. I was carrying a backpack with $2 million wrapped up in brown paper envelopes stashed inside (interpretation: I want money). All of a sudden, one of our tour-mates whipped out a gun and pointed it at me. Feeling more relieved that he would shoot me and not my two boys than feeling afraid for my life, I calmly asked him what he wanted while somehow taking out the envelopes of cash from my bag and passing them discreetly to Matthew (how I did this without the gunman noticing, I have no idea). He demanded I empty my bag, but by this time I only had my wallet in it, and the gunman took $20 from me. However, he then swung the gun towards Matthew, and this time I got really upset because 1) he was threatening a little boy (haha) and 2) Matthew had all my money now! Oh noes!

Of course just at that moment, the gunman fumbled his own backpack and another gun spilled out from it. I promptly snatched it up and pointed the gun at him. I distinctly remember that in my dream at this point I triumphantly said, “HA!” (So much for witty dialog.) The gunman pointed the gun back at me, and while he was deliberating about shooting, I shot him first - but the report of the gun made him squeeze the trigger too, and I got shot in the chest.

I remember a dull thwop in my chest and thinking that I was going to die, but when I realized I wasn’t bleeding out, we all discovered that the gun he had been holding had miraculously been loaded with…blanks.

Interpretation: Matthew, you owe me $2 million.

Dream #3:
Last night I dreamt we lived in this place which looked very old-school American, with cast-iron railings, newsboy caps and pageboy haircuts. A war was raging between people and these dark bat-like creatures which attacked everyone by divebombing them and raking their claws on their scalps.

Then my dad discovered an alternative world which we got to by diving into a fountain, where the bottom was a portal into the other world. This alternative world was peaceful and happy except sometimes one of those bat-like creatures would accidentally find its way through the fountain - so when we spotted bits of wings or claws coming through the portal in the sky we would shoot lightning at them from our fingertips. I could fly in this new peaceful world, and it was so calm and happy and peaceful and everyone who lived in this world was pretty. And there was a M.A.C. counter (!!) and an Anna Sui counter where I bought…hairclips.

Interpretation: I need hairclips.

I have the weirdest dreams ever.