tell me about it

Dream #1:
A few nights ago, I dreamed that I was growing fuzz on my cheeks and beneath my nose. At first it was just a little bit, but my erstwhile stubble soon blossomed into a full mustache and beard. In my dream I was looking in the mirror, frowning and fingering my new facial hair, and wondering if it made me look a bit too masculine. Strangely enough, in the dream, Puppy wasn’t too concerned about the caveman growth on my face and was quite cavalier about the whole thing.

Interpretation: I won’t have to worry that my boyfriend will leave me if things get too…hairy.

Dream #2
And the next night I dreamed that we were on a tour bus rambling around somewhere - me and Puppy and Matthew. I was carrying a backpack with $2 million wrapped up in brown paper envelopes stashed inside (interpretation: I want money). All of a sudden, one of our tour-mates whipped out a gun and pointed it at me. Feeling more relieved that he would shoot me and not my two boys than feeling afraid for my life, I calmly asked him what he wanted while somehow taking out the envelopes of cash from my bag and passing them discreetly to Matthew (how I did this without the gunman noticing, I have no idea). He demanded I empty my bag, but by this time I only had my wallet in it, and the gunman took $20 from me. However, he then swung the gun towards Matthew, and this time I got really upset because 1) he was threatening a little boy (haha) and 2) Matthew had all my money now! Oh noes!

Of course just at that moment, the gunman fumbled his own backpack and another gun spilled out from it. I promptly snatched it up and pointed the gun at him. I distinctly remember that in my dream at this point I triumphantly said, “HA!” (So much for witty dialog.) The gunman pointed the gun back at me, and while he was deliberating about shooting, I shot him first - but the report of the gun made him squeeze the trigger too, and I got shot in the chest.

I remember a dull thwop in my chest and thinking that I was going to die, but when I realized I wasn’t bleeding out, we all discovered that the gun he had been holding had miraculously been loaded with…blanks.

Interpretation: Matthew, you owe me $2 million.

Dream #3:
Last night I dreamt we lived in this place which looked very old-school American, with cast-iron railings, newsboy caps and pageboy haircuts. A war was raging between people and these dark bat-like creatures which attacked everyone by divebombing them and raking their claws on their scalps.

Then my dad discovered an alternative world which we got to by diving into a fountain, where the bottom was a portal into the other world. This alternative world was peaceful and happy except sometimes one of those bat-like creatures would accidentally find its way through the fountain - so when we spotted bits of wings or claws coming through the portal in the sky we would shoot lightning at them from our fingertips. I could fly in this new peaceful world, and it was so calm and happy and peaceful and everyone who lived in this world was pretty. And there was a M.A.C. counter (!!) and an Anna Sui counter where I bought…hairclips.

Interpretation: I need hairclips.

I have the weirdest dreams ever.

Utterly useless trick to know but oh-so-impressive, if you have about six hundred dominos, four pool tables, and too much damn time on your hands.

Did I mention the oh-so-impressive part?

I was reading the papers the other day - an article titled something along the lines of “PM Lee Looking For His Successor”.

Joel pokes his head over my shoulder and reads the title in silence. Then, in all innocence, he inquires, “Why? He lost his son ar?”

Bing: Your brother picks the baby hamsters up with chopsticks
Me: Erk
Bing: Your brother
Me: Your boyfriend
Bing: Hmmm. I blame you cos you probably taught each other that :P
Me: :o I never did! I picked them up with FORKS.
Me: I don’t know where he learnt this chopstick thing. :P
Bing: Boohoo :( now the chopstick thing sounds more humane
Bing: Okok my boyfriend :D

(Ironically, haven’t had any caffeine today - so maybe I’m just a natural vibrating crackhead. Hmmm.)

I push a pen into my student’s hand. “Okay, go to the board and edit the sentence there. You can erase what’s not important, or you can change words if you want.”

The student stands up front for a few minutes, perusing the sentence and chewing on his lip. I decide to be merciful and relieve his distress.

I turn to the others, who are whispering answers to each other: “The rest of the class, you can shout help to your friend if you want to.”

The entire class perks up, and with the cunning delight of Oedipus outwitting the Sphinx, they eyeball me gleefully and chorus in unison:

“HELP! HELP!”

The kitty is sitting gawkishly in front of the refrigerator, legs splayed as she bends over and licks a certain part of her anatomy enthusiastically. My dad pauses on the way to the sink and looks at her askance.

“Hey. Sit properly,” he remonstrates. Sasha pauses mid-lick and stares at him. The look on her face is self-explanatory.

What? What are you saying? Food? Are you talking about food?

The kitty and the daddy exchange perplexed looks.

Is it food? Food? Do you understand what I’m saying? FOOD, little man. Give me some.

“Close your legs and sit properly!” Dad pokes her in the thigh with an extended toe.

Not FOOT, stupid, FOOD. Are we talking about food? Are you giving me food? Where’s the food?

Dad gives up and moves on to plonk dishes in the sink. Annoyed, Sash returns to her interrupted grooming.

Ugh. Humans.

I just received an inspirational email - the kind that exhorts you to pass it on to light up the lives of five other people, if only you care for someone, press “forward” and send it on, send it on, now!

The email praised the goodness of God and stated cheerfully that God was going to do something that day to make things work in my favor, and if I believed it, I should send it on to five other people. While the sentiment was appreciated I decided not to humor the request, firstly because I don’t believe in forwarding mails, and secondly because of this:

The email contains three pictures which are proclaimed to be “amazing”. Though not explicitly stated, the wording of the email and the attachment of the pictures are likely to cause the reader to think that the pictures are a testament to God’s amazing hand working in nature. They show amazing rock formations that look exactly like animals - a craggy stone rhino dipping its nose into the water, a tourist posing in front of a sleepily vicious c(rock)odile, a boulder looking uncannily like a spotted blowfish thrusting its head out from a sandy beach. Such wonder! Clearly, anyone looking at the pictures would be bowled over by how God obviously has a hand in creation. Nature couldn’t possibly cause anything like this to happen without being invisibly guided by an unseen hand.

And indeed the pictures are a testament to God’s hand working in our lives, but in this case, more of Him blessing Man with an opposable thumb and sentience, rather than the raw beauty of nature. For each photograph clearly bears the watermark of Worth1000.

And if you’re familiar with the site as I am, this is probably when you start laughing.

There is hunger in my tummy!

There is hunger in my tummy and it’s doing a dance!

It’s yelling that it’s hungry and it doesn’t want plants!

Meat! it’s screaming and it wants its meat now!

But I have lesson in ten minutes so how! So how!

There is hunger in my tummy and it won’t be appeased!

It wants a chunk of meat that’s oily and greased!

But my students are a-calling and I do not have time!

Not feeding hungry tummy could be considered a crime!

It’s a sentence that I’ll suffer because I have to go teach!

While the hunger sucks at tummy like a greedy old leech!

Feed me! cries the hunger. Not now! sez I!

We’ll have Botak Jones lamb chops in a twinkling of an eye!

Just wait, I says to tummy, after class we’ll get to eat!

Rest assured it’ll be a chunk of greasy oily meat!

I was inspired to write this after reading (and watching, much to my horror and disgust and open-mouthed screams) about the 2 girls 1 cup video that’s receiving way too much attention on the Net.

Of course, I’ve had to add to it.

Enjoy the poem. :P

(If you don’t know what 2 girls 1 cup is, please, please do not Google for it, or ask anyone about it, or even think about it. My poem is a much milder version of the video and is quite enough for anyone to be grossed out over.)

“I’m sorry,” she said, “but I’ve farted -
In fact, I think that I’ve sharted.
I hope you’ll forgive me
but I had to relieve the
most terrible cramp in my tummy.”
I inhaled. I thought it smelled yummy.
My smile reached each cheek
A bouquet rich and unique
Full-bodied, bitter, yet sweet
and smelling a little like feet.
I said, “I have to admit
that the odor of shit
isn’t quite as bad as most feel -
To me, it does rather appeal.”
“I agree!” she exclaimed, delighted.
Why, my pleasure was fully requited!
At last, a girl with a taste
for what others call “waste”.
We joined hands for a waltz, we
danced to an old schmaltzy
tune we both knew -
It was “Skip To My Loo” -
and we spent the whole evening
just farting and sharing
the wonderful fragrance of poo.