tell me about it

I just received an inspirational email - the kind that exhorts you to pass it on to light up the lives of five other people, if only you care for someone, press “forward” and send it on, send it on, now!

The email praised the goodness of God and stated cheerfully that God was going to do something that day to make things work in my favor, and if I believed it, I should send it on to five other people. While the sentiment was appreciated I decided not to humor the request, firstly because I don’t believe in forwarding mails, and secondly because of this:

The email contains three pictures which are proclaimed to be “amazing”. Though not explicitly stated, the wording of the email and the attachment of the pictures are likely to cause the reader to think that the pictures are a testament to God’s amazing hand working in nature. They show amazing rock formations that look exactly like animals - a craggy stone rhino dipping its nose into the water, a tourist posing in front of a sleepily vicious c(rock)odile, a boulder looking uncannily like a spotted blowfish thrusting its head out from a sandy beach. Such wonder! Clearly, anyone looking at the pictures would be bowled over by how God obviously has a hand in creation. Nature couldn’t possibly cause anything like this to happen without being invisibly guided by an unseen hand.

And indeed the pictures are a testament to God’s hand working in our lives, but in this case, more of Him blessing Man with an opposable thumb and sentience, rather than the raw beauty of nature. For each photograph clearly bears the watermark of Worth1000.

And if you’re familiar with the site as I am, this is probably when you start laughing.

There is hunger in my tummy!

There is hunger in my tummy and it’s doing a dance!

It’s yelling that it’s hungry and it doesn’t want plants!

Meat! it’s screaming and it wants its meat now!

But I have lesson in ten minutes so how! So how!

There is hunger in my tummy and it won’t be appeased!

It wants a chunk of meat that’s oily and greased!

But my students are a-calling and I do not have time!

Not feeding hungry tummy could be considered a crime!

It’s a sentence that I’ll suffer because I have to go teach!

While the hunger sucks at tummy like a greedy old leech!

Feed me! cries the hunger. Not now! sez I!

We’ll have Botak Jones lamb chops in a twinkling of an eye!

Just wait, I says to tummy, after class we’ll get to eat!

Rest assured it’ll be a chunk of greasy oily meat!

I was inspired to write this after reading (and watching, much to my horror and disgust and open-mouthed screams) about the 2 girls 1 cup video that’s receiving way too much attention on the Net.

Of course, I’ve had to add to it.

Enjoy the poem. :P

(If you don’t know what 2 girls 1 cup is, please, please do not Google for it, or ask anyone about it, or even think about it. My poem is a much milder version of the video and is quite enough for anyone to be grossed out over.)

“I’m sorry,” she said, “but I’ve farted -
In fact, I think that I’ve sharted.
I hope you’ll forgive me
but I had to relieve the
most terrible cramp in my tummy.”
I inhaled. I thought it smelled yummy.
My smile reached each cheek
A bouquet rich and unique
Full-bodied, bitter, yet sweet
and smelling a little like feet.
I said, “I have to admit
that the odor of shit
isn’t quite as bad as most feel -
To me, it does rather appeal.”
“I agree!” she exclaimed, delighted.
Why, my pleasure was fully requited!
At last, a girl with a taste
for what others call “waste”.
We joined hands for a waltz, we
danced to an old schmaltzy
tune we both knew -
It was “Skip To My Loo” -
and we spent the whole evening
just farting and sharing
the wonderful fragrance of poo.

Happy Total Defence Day!

‘Tis the day the government has set aside to commemorate Total Defence, on the anniversary of the British surrender of Singapore to the Japanese.

‘Tis the day when the public announcement system is tested by blaring the air raid siren over the the whole of Singapore for about a minute at noon.

Indeed, ’tis the day when at noon, everyone looks up from whatever they’re doing (or are rudely awakened) and says, “What the hell is that awful racket?” and then goes back to whatever it is they were doing (or sleep).

Teehee!

-taken from Pearls Before Swine

Part the First:

Part the Second:

- taken from www.xkcd.com

I’m looking for this emoticon again! The red version and the other one! If you have it please please PM me on MSN!

THANK YOU!

- Arzhou.com

The next time some clueless angmoh asks you which part of Japan/China Singapore is in, politely inform him that Singapore is an independent country that’s nowhere near Japan OR China, and has never been.

Then ask him where he’s from.

“I’m American!” he will likely proclaim proudly.

Furrow your brow. Hem and haw and look puzzled. Scratch your chin, cock your head and pretend to be deep in perplexed thought. Then ask,

“America? Which part of the United Kingdom is that?”

The converse will also work.

May offend, if you don’t have a sense of humor. :D

On other news, Liverpool thrashed Luton Town 5-0 (hat-trick from Stevie G, one each from Babel and Hyppia), as they should have from the beginning (sell Voroninny!) with Carra wearing the captain’s armband on account of it being his 500th appearance. Curiosity strikes. How do the players themselves know how many appearances they have racked up? Does a dwarf with a clipboard rush into the dressing room every game and bark out their numbers?

“Gerrard, 302. Looking good. Carra, 280. Not gonna catch up with Stevie if you don’t break his metatarsal and lay him off for a month or so. Here, borrow Rooney’s boots, that’ll do the trick. Works for Ronaldo.”

Or maybe they do the whole five stroke counting thing on the inside of their locker doors. Possibly inspired by Robinson Crusoe. They cover the inside of the locker door, outside of the locker door, they get a new locker and a pay raise.

“500 appearances! Yeah baby! Gimme that captain’s armband, bitch, I get to celebrate in style.”
“Yeah well. Race you to a hat trick. Winner gets to be captain forever.”

*after the game*

“Hand it over…bitch.”
“Aw, damn, Stevie.”

Don’t sack Benitez!