tell me about it

Making babies is a scary thought.

Watched a video on Nick Vujicic today in school – a man with no limbs. Had many different thoughts: firstly, I couldn’t get it out of my head how wrong he looked, even if I was supposed to be accepting. Then I thought how I didn’t think I would be able to parent such a severely disabled child – would I be able to love such a child despite how terribly wrong I thought he looked? Then it really struck me how motherhood is about deciding to make a human being that would turn out to be half you and half spouse, and about making a decision to truly madly deeply fiercely love whatever it is you happened to make. For the rest of your life. No matter what it looked like or smelt like or what it would end up doing.

And I had such a sudden fear and loathing of motherhood, with that terrible element of not-knowing what you were promising to love. At least with marriage, I knew what I was getting into. I made an informed choice. I know what he looks like, how he thinks, what he likes. I know he’s never been in jail. I know he’s good-lookin’ (to me, anyway). But with a baby? I would have to take whatever I got. And not just take, either, but instantly produce that fierce, protective, all-encompassing mother love. What if I couldn’t accept what I’ve made?

I know it sounds horrible as anything and all you mothers are going to roundly condemn me. But I’m so terribly afraid that I won’t have the strength of character to deal with disabilities both mental and physical should a future child have such problems.

The other thing I realized about motherhood today was that should I manage to love my child completely, I’m going to be really crap at letting them go. Because today I broke down in tears thinking about innocence and knowing that it isn’t going to last forever. I thought about mistakes I’ve made and things I’ve done and felt utterly repulsed and revolted at the thought of someone near and dear to me making the same mistakes and doing the same things. It totally isn’t about not doing what I wouldn’t do. It’s me having learnt the excruciating lessons through my stupid childish behavior in the past, and having learnt the lessons, wanting my babies to learn the same lessons, to know the outcomes, without making those same mistakes. Without sullying their purity. The thought simply paralyzed me. I know if you don’t make the mistakes, the lesson probably isn’t ever going to be fully understood – but couldn’t you know what I know? That actions are irreversible. That innocence is the worst thing to lose. That something you do in the heat of the moment, knowing the consequences but disregarding them in that split second is never something you should have ever done.

That ten years down the road, mistakes I made still flash back in my mind to haunt me and every single time I wish I’d been smart enough to learn the lesson without making those mistakes. Because I really should have known better then.

And I wish that for those I love. I wish for wisdom and discernment. To know that the consequences of your actions last a lifetime. To know that guilt can lurk in one’s heart forever, even if no one ever knows what stupid and moronic things you did. To truly understand how to be good without having to try being naughty.

If I had to watch my child grow up and make those mistakes in order to learn those lessons, if I had to watch them lose that innocence and purity, I think I would die from grief and despair.

Motherhood probably really sucks.

Oy me, the year’s passed too terribly quickly. And what a year it’s been! Thirteen weddings – one of them my own, and another my brother’s – and a beautiful baby girl (not mine). A new house, a new family, a new TV show (Glee!!!) and a new last name. All three siblings scattered and out of my parents’ house. I wonder what the new year will bring?

It’s been such a blessed year. Thank you all for sticking around :)

I couldn’t sleep all night last night – I’d had two (two!) very treacherous sips of espresso (damn you and your attractively packaged little coffee things, Nespresso!) and that had resulted in a horribly sleepless night. Amidst my tossing and turning in fretful fitfulness I realized I was disturbing my sleeping hubba a lot more than was polite, so I took myself out to the living room to attempt sleep on our very comfortable couch with its very comfortable cushions. Alas though it did not work, within minutes my curious cat, quite taken with the novelty of having me come out to join her in the living room, stretched herself out from within her basket and padded over to the couch. She nosed my hand and rubbed her head thoroughly in my palm (a cat’s way of ensuring she gets petted – you don’t have to move, she will).

And then she sighed, and plopped herself down on the rug beside my head, and napped beside me while I struggled with wakefulness.

I loves me kitty.

Life is pretty good now because holidays have Finally started. Not completely because I’ll still be back and forth in school now and then. But I’m happy enough not to have to wake up early every morning. Here’s to lazy mornings with breakfast with my hubba.

Speaking of the hubba it’s really a wonderful feeling to be married to someone I love so much. Feels like we’ve been married yonks but it’s only been three months. Haha. It’s lovely to be a wife.

Made lasagna this morning for Merv’s birthday! Had EL dept farewell lunch yesterday where I made vegetarian shepherd’s pie, and there was spaghetti last week at Yu Hsien’s thanksgiving dinner. It’s been a week of cooking and cooking but it’s fun (:

Okay I am Glee! mad and have watched 5 episodes in one night with their songs on repeat ad nauseam when I’m not watching them. My husband (glee!), who provided me with the episodes in the first place, is sort of kinda really regretting it. Hurhur. Especially when I wake him up for dinner by putting “Don’t Stop Believing” on repeat and singing loudly to it.

Me (lustily singing): “FOR A SMILE THEY CAN SHARE THE NIGHT IT GOES ON AND ON AND ON…”

Irate Hubba (rolling around in bed madly smothering his face in the pillow): “IT IS GOING ON AND ON WHY IS THE SAME SONG GOING ON AND ON AND ON?!!??”

Me: SOME WILL WINNN SOME WILL LOSE! SOME CAN ONLY SING THE BLUUUUUUUES!”

Irate Hubba: *weep*

Me: DOOOON’T STOP!

Miserable Hubba: Please stop.

So I talk a lot about the wedding but not so much about the marriage – and we’ve established that’s the important thing. That’s what keeps me sane and from flipping out even more than I actually am, now – remembering that at the end of it all I’m going to get to be with this man as his wife. And that’s a lifetime deal.

I won’t deny that there have been times in the last few weeks where wedding fever has bogged me down to the point where I’ve wanted to throw the whole thing out the window and run away to Vegas (I tried pitching the idea to C – didn’t work). I won’t deny that there have been times as well when in a sudden panic I wonder – am I really tying my entire future to one person? Is he the right person? What if he isn’t? I remember that it’s the rest of my life I am giving away. I wonder if I made the right choice to say yes.

But C has been solid and steady and a constant reminder to me to chillax, baby, it’s just a day (or two). He’s been patient and strong and hasn’t washed his hands of me in disgust when I’ve been snippy and argumentative and grumpy over wedding planning. And I think ahead to the part where I get to fall asleep in his arms and play house with him and yell at him to pick his clothes off the floor and put the toilet seat down (standard wife behavior, apparently) and my heart calms down. There’s no one else I can imagine taking this horrifically huge step with.

I pray for the grace to live together peacefully, the courage to always tell the truth to each other. The humility to accept when we are wrong, the patience to understand each other’s heart. Tolerance to bear with it if he farts in bed or if I make him wake up at 6am to drive me to school. The gastrointestinal fortitude to stomach each others’ forays into culinary arts. And love – lots of it – to remind us always why we chose to say “I do”.

I’m marrying this man, and I am promising to be his for the rest of my life. I’ve wondered all my life who this person would be. My parents have prayed for the man I would marry since I was a child, knowing that this person was a boy growing up somewhere out there at the same time. And God has been watching over the both of us till now, preparing us for the day we would meet each other and fall in love. Now I know exactly who he is.

I’m honored and proud and deliriously happy to be marrying you, C. Thank you for loving me.

First I had a shitty class with the naughty class, interrupted by my own form class being unbelievably cheeky – walking numerous times past the classroom to look and wave, then after I banish them to their classroom they stand IN their classroom and do synchronized full arm waves across the block to my class. Got so pissed off trying to handle the naughty class and my own kids can pull this kinda stunt. Maybe I’m always too nice to them. So I hauled my form class back for a harsh lecture.

Then I had to stay for a meeting where barely anyone turned up and the boss was understandably upset, and I had to chase people down and play devil’s advocate.

Then I went for my dental appointment and shared the waiting room with a boy who was terrorizing his younger sister, and I didn’t know if i should have spoken up.

Then I went to pick up my cheongsam and the tailoring seemed to be a bit snugger than I wanted, but I thought it would be ok, because I mean, yay, cheongsam tailored to me! So I just took it and went.

Then after hours of shopping at Carrefour, we ended up spending a
bit more than C liked. He looked grumpy and since I’m such a porcupine, without knowing he wasn’t angry at me, I got annoyed because I didn’t know what was wrong. And then the travellator wasn’t working. We took the lift, and on the way, C accidentally rammed into the back of my ankle with the full laden trolley, ripping off the skin. So I was limping and in pain and madder than a wet hornet.

When we got to the car, I suddenly realized that my cheongsam bag was missing. Panicked. Ran back upstairs, retraced steps, begged the info counter to check, but to no avail. My cheongsam must have been literally lifted out of the trolley when we weren’t looking.

Drove back to the house in copious tears and silence. At the carpark when we opened the van, groceries fell out and we broke a bottle. Cleaning the house actually sort of made me feel a bit better after awhile and sweet C offered to buy me a new cheongsam. But I distinctly remember that the one I bought was the last one they had…

It did not go well for me today.

I’ve only been a teacher for one and a half years, but I’m perilously close to losing the joy in it I used to have. I think it’s just cuz I’m so busy with other things this year, and especially this semester, that I’m getting anxious and crabby and dread going to work.

Maybe I just need the wedding to be over and to settle into married life so I can go back and concentrate on being a good teacher. I get so grumpy easily, even at C, and I’m not being the best fiancée or the best teacher.

I’m tired all the time and have no spirit or passion for going into class. I’m dreading going to school and am super behind on my marking – but when I’m not marking I’m settling other stuff or I’m so tired I just knock out and waste an hour or two on sleeping. And when I’m not getting enough sleep, I lash out at my baby and I get upset because I’m still tired and haven’t gotten any work done. :(

I am now eagerly waiting for the week of the wedding so I can just stop thinking about work and concentrate on one thing. I’m crap at multitasking :( book check, mark keying in, getting colleagues to cover for me while I’m on leave so that the kids don’t miss out on lessons… It’s really exhausting. Please pray for me :(

I need more time and more energy…

Study curtains – a bit simple, but the rest of the room has a lot of color going for it

Living room curtains – olive green, matched to one of the leaves’ color in the lampshade :D it’s actually got dark green leaves scrolling all over the curtain, can’t see from the distance

Master bedroom curtains – would you believe these are old curtains from home – I bought the new curtains from the same shop that Mom got these from – and they match the walls perfectly and just so happen to fall exactly to touch the floor. Perfecto!

Books and DVDs in the Billy!

32 day countdown!

Sofa! Fridge! Washing machine! Bookshelves! Study table! Chest of drawers! I IS HAPPYWAPPYWOO.

New gate

Billy bookcases in the study

Sofa and lamp

The Ronald McDonald corner – printer console and lamp

My poor injured toe on our new sofa